JOAN’S BLOG – MON/TUE, AUGUST 16/17, 2010 – PART II of the Ten Absolute ‘NEVERS’- DO THEY FEED DENIAL AND ENCOURAGE EMOTIONAL DIVORCE IN THE EARLY STAGES?

Thank you for your thoughtful responses on the Message Boards to Part I (see below this blog), while I recovered from my Tramadol reaction.

Although everyone is aware that my blogs are my opinion, and only my opinion, I want to reiterate that point here, as what I discuss today is subject to a multitude of differing opinions, which I welcome. It is also extremely important to keep in mind that what I write refers to the EARLY STAGES ONLY. I emphasize that because in the early stages, sometimes before the definitive Alzheimer’s diagnosis, and even for awhile afterwards, it is still possible to maintain a close marital relationship, before there is nothing left but caregiving and memories of a long ago marriage.

Following some of the Ten Absolutes (see below this blog) may have the effect of feeding your AD spouses’ denial, and placing you firmly in the “emotionally divorced” category, a situation that I do not feel is necessary in the early stages. When reasoning, arguing, and remembering, are still possible under certain circumstances, if you stow them away too quickly, I feel that you will be losing opportunities for a bit of normalcy before there is none at all.

I do not have to speculate on this. I have specific examples from my own experience.

NEVER REASON/ARGUE – At this point in our journey, I no longer try to reason with my husband. It cannot be done. But in the early days, before the diagnosis, and for about a year afterward, I learned that I could not reason with him in the heat of the moment. However, if I waited 24 hours for what I called the “Alzheimer Swelling” in his brain to revert to somewhat normal, I could explain what we had discussed; his reasoning; my reasoning; and he was able to tell me that whatever he said during the previous discussion was not what he meant. He was then able to tell me in a much more reasonable manner what he did mean. It had the effect of bringing us closer, in that we seemed to solve a problem together.

NEVER SAY “REMEMBER” OR “I TOLD YOU” – This is where I think feeding their denial comes into play full force. In the beginning, when both you and your spouse are trying to work together on finding solutions for remembering tasks and appointments, if they don’t KNOW they forgot something or asked the same question an hour before, and they are not told so, it allows them to deny there is anything wrong with them. In our case, my husband knew he was forgetting tasks and conversations, and specifically asked me to help him with memory strategies. For about 3 years, the notebook and lists worked well. He felt that he accomplished something positive whenever he was able to follow the list and cross off a completed task. It made me feel good to be helping him. Somewhat different team dynamics, but we were still a team. He requested that I tell him if he asked a question previously. He wanted to try to remember it, and he liked the little “hints” that I gave him to jog his memory. He felt that he could “keep it together” longer this way. Teamwork. It allowed us to both still feel connected.

Those are the four NEVERS that I feel have some leeway in the early stages. I am always looking for ways to preserve the relationship for as long as possible, and for awhile, my strategies worked for us.

As I was writing this, I noticed that Rachelle posted on the message board – “BUT at the same time, because I use more of the second column responses, my hubby isn't facing the fact that something is the matter. So sometimes I do try to reason or argue or say I told you already . . . otherwise he feels all is well and nothing is the matter. Which doesn't help when the family doctor tries to bring up the possibility of some cognitive changes----hubby is sure all is just quite fine.”  Do any of you feel the way Rachelle and I do concerning the denial? Please continue to post your opinions and responses on the message boards under The Ten Absolute Nevers.

COMING UP ON WEDNESDAY: A Shocking Realization for Me

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